Ripley’s Retort

Yarrrrrrr! Tis I! The Dread Pirate Ripley Cat…and I be commandeering this boat…er…blog to address some most scandalous and scurrilous accusations that have been cast my way by one scurvy dog who goes by the name of Ranger.

I be puttin’ forth me own version of the story ye have already heard. Listen well or risk the plank!

Ya see, not so many years ago, me sister – the lovely Miss Abby – and meself were in full command of this ship. And oh! Twas a beautiful thing. Nothin’ but smooth seas and clear skies.

And then one day – out of the clear blue and with no warnin’ – me ma and pa brings aboard this cheeky young chap. Now he seems right friendly and goes on about how eager he is to join me ranks. I confess – I was taken in my his pretty words and thought to give him a chance.

But before ye know it, I find him holdin’ private conference with me pa, lookin’ in my direction, givin’ me a wink.

And twasn’t long before it came to me. He was talkin’ mutiny and tryin’ to usurp me rightful place as cap’n of this ship!

Well – I am sure that ye can sympathize with my most unsavory predicament. The lad had won me pa’s favor and what was I to do? And so I sought to set him straight. I confess that I used some rather salty language and perhaps stooped to depths beneath me – but can ye blame me now? As they say – desperate times call fer desperate measures indeed!

Me ma and pa held many a conference with meself, tryin’ to convince me that they would not allow the lad to step into me role as cap’n. And over the years, I had to accept that they were tellin’ me the truth – at least the truth as they see it. And so, to appease them (they do own the boat, ya know), I have made the most gallant efforts to be peaceable and amiable, at least while they’re lookin’. But it has not been easy and I can assure ye…I’m keepin’ me eye on the lad – just in case.

Now this new lass, Mayzie, does seem like a darlin’- albeit somewhat too forthright. But I have been fooled once and ye know what they say about fools! So I be keepin’ me eye on her as well – lest she also be plannin’ some dastardly plot behind me back.

Oh! And that book that the lad so alarmed ye with…?

Why, don’t ye be worryin’ yer furry li’l heads about it. Ye see, not meanin’ to brag, but I be a Pirate Cat of some learnin’. And what the snoop lad found me to be readin’ is nothin’ but an historical tome of some significance to Pirate Cats such as myself, written by the great Pirate Cat H. Stanley Redgrove who roamed the Seven Seas from 1712-1743. So ye see, me darlins, twas only an endeavor of intellectual curiosity that I be readin’ that book. Not that I be wantin’ to take over the world. What a delicious preposterous thought!

And so, me friends, I be layin’ before ye the case of the Dread Pirate Ripley Cat versus the Young Mutinous Upstart, Ranger the Dog. I shall now take me leave and let ye be me judge and jury.

Yo ho!