First, I want to thank you all for your kind words regarding my previous post. I am flattered that you would heap such praise upon a humble Rat Terrier such as myself. And so after much careful thought, I have decided to continue my, ahem, “rants” for the foreseeable future.
Second, I would like to apologize for getting this post up so late. My assistant mom had some excuse about running errands or some such nonsense. I assure you that she and I will be having a conversation about this.
Now, let us proceed.
I was most disturbed to see my darling little sister’s post on one of our resident felines, Ripley. Mayzie is a dear but distressingly gullible. Let me assure you that contrary to what she told you, Ripley is NOT “most adorable.”
No, in fact he is just the opposite. When I first moved in with my mother and father, I was just a teenager. All encounters I had with the feline species up to that point had been positive. So upon meeting Ripley, I assumed a most friendly stance and invited him to play. Imagine my surprise when my sincere offer of friendship was greeted with a string of words that are simply unfit for the eyes of the gentle readers here. The memory of which sends a shudder down my spine to this day.
After ruminating on it, I came to the conclusion that I must have somehow offended him and tried everything I could to make up for my obviously grievous error. However, Ripley was not keen on my advances and it seemed that everything I did only angered him more. I am not exaggerating when I say that it has taken years for us to reach an uneasy truce.
The most distressing bit is that I seem to be the only one who can see this. My parents coo and fawn over him and laugh off my concerns with, “Oh, that’s just Ripley.” Friends and family are charmed by what they see as his “eccentric” pirate personality due to antics such as the one below, whereupon he insists to everyone that he is at the helm of a ship and yells out incoherent orders to “swab the deck.”
But, dear readers, I can assure you that it is not eccentricity. The cat is bat crap crazy certifiably insane.
And here…HERE is the evidence. One day not too long ago, I stumbled upon this scene…
Later, when he was asleep, I sneaked into his chambers. Imagine my horror when I discovered what he was reading!
Dear readers, I regret that this post has taken such a dark and disturbing turn. But I felt it my duty to set the record straight and warn others that Ripley may set his diabolical plot to take over the world into motion at any time. I shall certainly update you immediately if I learn anything more.
Until then, I wish you good night and good biscuits.