Dear Readers. Tis I. Ranger.
I am here to offer you a confession and to beg the forgiveness of the canine members of our community.
I have failed – utterly and completely – in my dogly duties and it has left me depressed, despondent, disheveled…
All right, perhaps not disheveled. It is true that I still cut a striking figure, even amidst my angst. It cannot be helped.
I know you must be asking yourself, “Ranger – what could have brought you to this lowly state?”
See for yourselves. Please cast your eyes upon these two pictures and tell me if you notice the difference?
Yes. Of course. Very astute of you. The large aspen tree which has adorned the front of our estate for lo these many years was STOLEN! Spirited away by a gang of marauding tree thieves.
When they appeared at our house, I immediately sounded the alarm. I barked ferociously at them, warning them that they were to leave the premises at once or risk the Wrath of the Rat Terrier!
But alas, they paid me no heed. In fact, one sneered at me, a look of utter disdain upon his sinister face. With mother and dad gone – and Mayzie and Abby no help at all – I watched in horror as piece by piece they loaded up that magnificent tree and took it away. I was helpless to stop it and could only curse my lack of opposable thumbs with which I might call 911.
When mother and dad arrived home that evening, I could scarce look them in the eye.
Mother tried to console me with some wild, obviously fabricated story about how they had hired those men to cut down the tree because it was dying. Mother is a lovely person but a poor liar and I could see right through her desperate attempt to lessen the blow and soothe my tortured soul. (And I shan’t even go into Mayzie’s earnest but misguided assertions that Ninjas took the tree.)
I considered keeping this from you all but I knew that my guilt would only grow. How could I continue as a member of good standing in this community were I to keep this terrible secret hidden? And so I decided to lay bare my shame of failing to uphold Article Number 1 of the Canine Code of Conduct: Protect the Home.
Therefore, I now come to you humbled with only one question upon my mind: Can you ever find it in your hearts to forgive me? My fate rests in your paws.